This is where you can read ‘my story’, what playlist I have been listening too and other various boring info. 🙂

Last nights’ 6.6 mile slog! I really felt it. The weather however….sun, snow, hail, sun!! This run was fuelled by almonds, salt water and a boiled egg – I’m rock and roll 🤣

This is kind of my weight loss/recovery journey! London 2012 was my first marathon, Edinburgh 2013 was my second and Edinburgh 2014 was my third. The others have been half marathons then I slipped a disc in my back, lost sensation in my leg, had weakness in my right leg, lost my nan, lost the plot and had to start all over again.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

This is quite personal. It may be a trigger for some people who struggle mentally. It contains talk of self harm and suicide. Please don’t read it if this is a trigger for you xx

I have never really spoken publicly about details of my mental health, but people need to know that anyone can struggle mentally and anyone CAN come back from the brink to make something of themselves! I have skipped pointless chunks of life because you’d be yawning half way through – you still might and that’s ok. 😊

I started off like any regular sized child, I was given a healthy and nutritious diet, wasn’t allowed much sugar or fizzy stuff as I’d be on the ceiling within minutes – you can imagine my mum’s face as I painted the walls red 🤣🤣. Anyway, I skipped a few years to my early teens, I started binge eating and self harming with razor blades to feel something other than self hate – I was bullied for being over weight and a very close relative kept on at me about my weight and telling me I needed to lose weight, when I ate in front of them I was told not to eat so much, so what did I do? I ate more, abused laxatives, made my self sick after every meal (didn’t lose much weight 🤣), no one understood me and I struggled to explain myself, so I drew awful sadistic pictures of myself and people who had hurt me. I wrote many many songs and poems so I could get out of my head the constant torture. I felt so alone.

Moving onto my later teens and college life, I put my mum through more hell; took numerous overdoses and landed in hospital over and over, took drugs for a short time….came within minutes of dying, recovered, shit myself and never took an overdose again. However, I was still troubled. Several crappy things happened to me. I am a rape survivor, it happened the day before my dance exams when I was 17. I used to be ashamed but I am overcoming this now. There was a few weeks of chaos and interviews with the police. I had amazing support from my support worker Cath, my amazing Mum and my friends. After that, I think I pretty much put it in a box and locked it away, I took my college exams and somehow managed to come out on top.

In my early 20’s I moved to liverpool, got badly beaten up and didn’t leave the house for a year so got bigger again, I never had any photos taken between 2001 and 2007.

THE TURNING POINT 🥳🥳

I got a dog – my life, my rock, my everything, Casper 💕🥰. Because of him I felt safe to go out again, because of him I had to exercise, because of him I lived! But there was one pivotal moment – it was the hottest day on record, I was on a bus and when I stood up I had sweated so much all my trousers were wet through, I felt so fat and ugly. At this point I knew I had to do something or I wouldn’t live for much longer. I remember weighing myself at about 16-17 stone. It was sickening to me. I started walking Casper More and more started to lose a bit of weight which spurred me on to eventually start little steps of jogging, honest to god I almost wish I’d died 2 years earlier, it was torture, my legs were chaffing, my boobs were slapping my back – they were not cheering me on!! Anyway, with that I started to eat less and less so started going the other way – I lost a lot of weight quickly. Relationship broke down, moved back home for a while then a year or so later I moved to London in 2008 to be with my then partner. I was at my lowest weight. I started working at an NHS hospital on the stroke ward. Got myself stable, now I needed a challenge. For some reason I decided I would enter the London Marathon for the stroke association. I raised £2k for them and completed in just over 5hrs. I felt like a shire horse dragging 15 carts by mile 26!!

2013 was a write off, I was completely depressed and off work. In the September I lost my rock and my best friend Casper. This completely floored me. I couldn’t cope emotionally without my boy so I went out and got another baby. Paddy came to his new forever home and then a month later I got Louie to keep Paddy company. These 2 terriorists became my everything! They know when I need cuddles and licks and they know when I need space. They run with me on many occasions now. They jump in dirty muddy puddles, roll in various animal poops and come back smelling like a sewer 🐶🤣.

In December 2013 my Nan was diagnosed with Pancreas cancer. So I ran Edinburgh marathon and several half marathons for Macmillan. She passed in the July 2014. I had no closure because she left herself to science. It was her choice but it really angered me. Losing my Nan broke me and destroyed me. I don’t talk about this or death/dying etc I have a huge issue with it. Every loss triggers me and it’s the one thing I cannot overcome. So I run to block it out. However, they say you have to be completely broken to repair and grow again, so call me a tree that fell down in the last storm but left a root behind and started growing again 🤣.

In 2014 I got pissed with friends while carrying a set of kettle bells on my back and slipped a disc in my lumbar spine L4 and L5-S1 causing the most hideous sciatic nerve pain which put me on my knees – I couldn’t walk. Long story short, I got diagnosed with spinal arthritis, got nerve root block injections took advice from an amazing specialist spinal physio and friend and I continued running – once recovered of course.

In 2015 I was diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder traits and put on medication. Then I moved to Blackpool, referred myself back to the mental health team and got diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder which is also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder, which I prefer because at least it doesn’t mean I’m borderline psychotic! (I can be on occasions mind 🤣). I had some crappy CAT therapy which they said would work after it stopped – who knows, did it work? 🤣 anyway, now I have a diagnosis it’s easier to manage and as I’ve gotten older it’s easier to figure out my triggers and reduce them. When I think back to my childhood, it really explains most of the emotions and behaviours I used to struggle with. I can still go from 0-100 in rage but it’s more controlled now…my therapy is my running, my family, my dogs and my job! I still have intrusive thoughts but I manage them and I speak to people when I’m struggling – anyone struggling mentally should not keep it to themselves…speak up and get it off your mind! I am here for those people xxxx and always remember to BE KIND! 💕❤️

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
Walt Disney

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
J. K. Rowling

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss

What’s been going on??

I haven’t updated my blog in a while. I’ve had a difficult patch in home life and in exercise. I have still been running but not as much as I should have, simply because I ran out of energy. I needed reserve some for work and home life. We’ve had a run of shit news lately and it has floored us. First of all we are moving house, so packing all our shit up is time consuming and exhausting plus Emma has torn a muscle in her shoulder so can’t do much to help. On 6th August we suffered the loss of Emma’s dad and it wasn’t straight forward and the situation is still ongoing. I have still been fundraising in between life. Most recently – yesterday 🤣 I started selling raffle tickets for a raffle this weekend. £2.50 each so if you’d like to buy one please contact me.